You know, when I woke up today, I didn't really think that the world of music was coming to an end. I didn't see any signs of the planet collapsing inwardly on itself, which is good. Sure, the radio was playing the same crap as usual.



But you know what? I could live with that. Just the same garbage that's spewed out onto the airwaves every day by talentless hacks who promote promiscuity and drinking as much as possible. No big deal- nothing that could potentially destroy the universe.

And then I remembered, "oh yeah, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em continues to exist, and some unholy demonic entity continues to allow him the use of a recording studio. A studio which, I'm certain, lies somewhere deep in the ninth circle of Hell, just within the depths of Satan's anus."

Well let's take a look at what magical planet-destroying bomb has plummeted from the devil's ass mere days ago. But wait - before we continue, I am legally obligated to warn you of the consequences. This is an artist's painstakingly accurate rendering of my face after witnessing the latest and greatest of the world's most illogically and unfairly successful musical "artist":



Yeah, have you ever seen The Ring? The concept of that movie is actually drawn from a real life phenomenon that occurs after watching any Soulja Boy videos. So now that you can fully understand the consequences of what you're about to put yourself through, let's take a look at Soulja Boy's newest sure-to-be hit song, "Goku."



Source: Soulja Boy's Twitter account

Now, just in case you missed some of the best lyrics (which I can understand, seeing as how it sounds like Soulja Boy was gargling marbles underwater while under the influence of sleeping pills during the recording of this song), here's a nice bundle of fun to wrap your head around. And honestly, I'm just guessing on some of these. This kid needs to learn the meaning of the word "enunciate" (if, of course, he even has the ability to pronounce words properly without pooping his pants).

"Bitch I look like Goku, ridin' in ma oldschool."
"Super Saiyan swagger."
"Bitch I look like Gohan, smokin' up dat marijuana. Bitch I'm havin' so much fun."
"Yeah I'mma look like Peter Pan."
"I got that Deaf Note swag."

I also love the fact that the song ends with random gunshots. Nothing says "Dragon Ball Z" like shootin' up bitches wiff yo' 9 mil. Then again, nothing really says "gangsta" like Dragon Ball Z.



And while we're on the subject of things not making sense in the universe, does Soulja Boy think that by mentioning other popular anime in the middle of his already nonsensical song, he's going to somehow reach out to a wider demographic of fans and create legions of Soulja Boy fanatics out of otaku worldwide? I mean, what in the world does "Deaf Note" have to do with Dragon Ball Z, or being a gangsta?

Well, I guess Light Yagami is quite the pimp, what with Misa and Takada following his every command, and Mello does spend his spare time pistol-whippin' hoes. Man, I guess Death Note is pretty gangsta after all. You know what, I think someone should make a CD or a mixtape dedicated to just how cool and gangsta Death Note is!

OH. WAIT. SOULJA BOY TO THE GODDAMN RESCUE.



Source: Soulja Boy's deviantART account (This in itself is a riot)

Ah, yes. Because the world wasn't cruel enough, Soulja Boy has a mixtape known as "Death Note." I'm not sure why he chose this as a title, as he always says "Deaf Note." Perhaps the mixtape art's title is misspelled. Speaking of which, an interesting tidbit about the mixtape's artwork is that it's COMPLETELY STOLEN. How nice. I'll be honest, I listened to the entire thing. For you, my readers, for you. I listened to this awful piece of shit so you don't have to.

Rap isn't even my cup of tea to begin with, but this is just terrible. Awful stuff - this kid cannot sing, rap, rhyme, keep tempo, or anything. His lyrics are weak and juvenile, and the lyrical concept behind this mixtape basically just centers around killing people Soulja Boy doesn't like. Riveting and original concept, ol' chap.

And just when you thought Soulja Boy couldn't be original enough, I was given a real nice surprise when I started the track entitled "Long Journey." It starts with an obnoxious and mind-numbing speech about how good and evil don't exist, only perception does (another concept lifted directly from the manga/anime for no other purpose than to lift it). When the music starts, fans of Death Note may notice something interesting - Soulja Boy is doing nothing but moaning and yelling on top of a completely unedited track of "Near's Theme" from the Death Note original soundtrack.

I'm sure that's legal. I'm sure Soulja Boy cares. I'm sure Near is pleased.



Another treat of the "Death Note" mixtape is the track "Take Over," which features Soulja Boy doing an incredibly obvious impersonation of Lil' Wayne's signature drawn-out-and-terrible-whining-over-a-beat "style." The song itself is terrible, but it's quite funny to hear Soulja Boy crash and burn at trying to rip off another rapper's already awful style.

So, in case you're not quite sure what I'm getting at, stay away from Soulja Boy's "Death Note" mixtape. Not that you needed much reason to do so anyway.

But what does all this mean in the big scheme of things, and what message is Soulja Boy trying to send out with this garbage? Is he trying to use his fans to cross-breed some kind of horrific gangsta-otaku monstrosity and unleash it into the world?

Soulja Boy's new track "Anime" seems to suggest as much. And some sources even suggest that this song could be on his next full-length album. Oh goody.



I'm glad that one can make a song by just putting words together and throwing "anime" at the end of every line. It's very comforting to know that this spoiled brat makes millions of dollars a week by doing this.

And what in the hell is he talking about? Is he talking about how people in anime do "gangsta" things? Or that doing gangsta things in real life makes you "anime"? Or that he just likes anime and he has a bunch of Dragon Ball Z action figures that he frequently uses to act out his dream date with Vegeta?

I honestly don't get it. We're hit with lines like "I'm flyin' like Goku when I pull up in my oldschool" and hear about how he's "throwin' money out the roof" and then he just starts throwing out random nonsense and putting "anime" at the end of it. I feel like I could make this a never-ending song just by performing normal everyday tasks and yelling at the top of my lungs.



Seriously, what is the point of this? Either he's going to alienate his audience, or he's going to make anime "in" with wannabe gangsta teenagers who think they're awesome because they wear their pants at their knees. That's just what we need - Little idiot thugs wearing saggy martial arts pants with their crooked-on-purpose Naruto headbands. Awesome.

Will this terrifying monstrosity ever see the light of day? Only time will tell, ladies and gentlemen. But thank goodness we have Soulja Boy working diligently to bring about the end of time so that we don't have to wait too long.

A quick thank-you to Mr.Devious, who brought Soulja Boy's "Goku" and "Anime" to my attention. TKK wouldn't have been warned of the apocalypse without you!

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