Greetings, TKKers! Long time no slaying! I wonder if you missed it... Does one miss such a negative thing? Does one generally stand around and think "Wow, it's been two months since I last stubbed my toe; I wish I could experience that again"?

Probably not.

But the Slayer, as you know, is a bit cooler than a stubbed toe. So get ready to get your face slain off!!

The setting? The Mariner's Cove Club House, a retirement club in Florida. The staff notices one morning that a few things are missing from the clubhouse. Namely, a first aid kit, napkins, and breakfast sausage.

The staff was quite confused, so they decided to check out the security tapes and figure out what happened. They found the culprit alright. Here's his mugshot, after the police nabbed him:


Meet 34 year-old Joshua Ryan Abernathy. See that orange stuff around his neck? Yeah, a shirt. He wasn't wearing that in the security tape.

In fact, Abernathy wasn't wearing ANYTHING. The security cameras caught the man walking into the clubhouse through an unlocked door, stealing the napkins, first aid kit, and sausages, and leaving the clubhouse, completely butt-ass naked. For some reason, the staff and community were able to laugh it off... and also call the police who proceeded to identify Abernathy and arrest him.

Honestly, I'm a little disturbed. There's no word as to WHY he was naked. The dude just honestly felt like being naked and walking into a clubhouse to steal shit. Was he high? Was he sleepwalking? Does he have a mental problem? Is he just a weird guy who likes being naked in areas where old people like to hang around?

And why the hell does he randomly push a chair around during his odd clubhouse wandering?!


Seriously, at one point in the security tape, the dude just grabs a chair, and pushes it along until he's off camera. I just... I... What?
Honestly, if you don't believe me, check out the footage yourself.

Also, his final checklist of burglary is a little... puzzling, isn't it? Of all the things he could have taken, he took... Napkins... A first aid kit... and sausages. What kind of situation is this man in?

While hearing about this news piece, I enjoyed imagining my own scenario - Abernathy finds himself on a freeway where a car has flipped over and pinned the driver inside. The man is bleeding badly and is in need of serious medical attention. But Abernathy doesn't have a cell phone! So the man asks him to find him some kind of help! But also, he's quite hungry and hasn't had breakfast yet. Abernathy thinks quickly and puts pressure on the man's wounds using ALL of his clothing, and rushes to the nearest location - a retirement clubhouse - to find a first aid kit. But wait! The injured man is hungry! Abernathy rushes to the freezer, nabs the sausages, and prepares to leave. But oh no, sausage is pretty greasy. The man will definitely need some napkins.

So a first aid kit, sausage, and a few napkins later, Abernathy returns to the man and delivers the goods. Also, he brought a chair.

I'm pretty sure that's what went down. Sadly, the police decided to NOT reward Abernathy's heroism, and instead punish him for it. Abernathy has been charged with burglary and petty theft, instead of being awarded with a medal. Or even an award for "most disturbing nude crime of the month." I'm sure he's up there, if not the winner.

Seriously. Ugh. Just looking at that dude's mugshot... And the security footage... I just want to stop picturing him naked. Please, lord, let my brain be free of this nudity.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!

Have a good weekend, everyone!

(via AOL News, News-Press)