Welcome back, ladies and gentlebots, to the second installment in my Transformers Prime viewing adventure, covering episode 7, "Scrapheap"!

Last episode, "Masters and Students," saw Starscream becoming the leader of Decepticons after Megatron's death, the Autobots defeating the assassin Skyquake, and Megatron's corpse being brought back onto the Decepticon ship, where his followers hope to revive him.

Exciting stuff, eh? Ready to see Megatron come back to life?

WELL TOO BAD.

You don't get to see Megatron this episode! In fact, you don't get to see any Decepticons at all. This is the first episode in the series to follow only the Autobots. Sadly, Starscream/Soundwave shippers will have to take a vacation.

So let's hop to it!


The episode begins with Bulkhead and Bumblebee searching the Arctic for... well... something. After a few minutes, they find whatever it is they're looking for - a gigantic orb-looking thing completely encased in ice. As a matter of fact, it kind of reminds me of something I saw in a movie recently...


OH GOD, DON'T TOUCH IT!! RUUUUUUUN!!!
To investigate the weird, metal ball-thing, the two bring it back to Team Prime headquarters. Ratchet plays Dr. Exposition for us as he explains to Bulkhead and Bumblebee that sub-zero temperatures will kill any mechanical lifeform, and also reports that he can't check out what's inside the frozen pod-orb-thing until it thaws (little does he know, the thing has already been busted open from the inside).

Afterward, Optimus and Arcee prepare to head out to the Arctic for clues about said pod-orb-thing. Because apparently Raf has never seen snow, Optimus promises to bring him a snowball because he can't come with. But as soon as the two leave via Ground Bridge, the computer controlling the Bridge explodes in Ratchet's face, trapping Optimus Prime and Arcee in the Arctic. Awesomesauce.


He should've known better.
So as Bumblebee and Bulkhead join Ratchet in saying, "Holy shit the leader of our entire race and the only female of our kind that we know of are probably going to die within a couple hours unless we fix this thing," their human buddies get going on their Halo skeelz and turn on the X-Box. Well, Jack and Miko do anyway. Raf thinks he's too cool for video games and goes to play by himself in the hallway, pretending he's stuck in the Arctic. Much cooler.

As Raf talks to himself like a freaky child who will never get a girlfriend (and probably not even a boyfriend either), he's tripped over by a teeny tiny robot. Aside from the fact that the Autobots have never mentioned any other robots living among them in the base and that the tiny thing literally shreds through a large bolt in just a few seconds with its teeth, Raf thinks it's a cool pet to keep, and he quickly befriends it. Which is understandable - I mean, whenever I meet any creature that completely destroys something with nothing but its razor-sharp teeth, I always want to make friends with it.


Certainly not!
Raf introduces his new creepy pet-bot to the Autobots, and the giant robots proceed to shit metal bricks and piss their metal pants. It turns out that the Fushigi ball with legs that Raf has introduced to the Autobots is basically the most horrific robotic disease in the entire universe - a Scraplet. Turns out that Scraplets are basically cosmic herpes, except that instead of preventing you from getting laid, they prevent you from EXISTING... if you're made of metal.

Turns out the frozen pod was full of thousands of now-escaped Scraplets, and the little bastards are now eating through everything in the Autobot base... which explains why the Ground Bridge is broken. Also, Bumblebee is almost eaten by the Scraplet, but Raf goes Gordon Freeman on the little guy and pulverizes it with a crowbar like it was a rabid Headcrab. Bumblebee had a bite taken out of him, but Ratchet assures everyone that it's "just a mesh wound!"


I'll lend you my pen.
After Raf's brutal murder of the little Scraplet, Bulkhead explains further that the tiny beings are basically the worst thing ever. They eat your insides first, getting all the juicy bits, and once they're done eating you, not even your "optics" are left. Jesus Christ, Bulkhead, calm down. This is Transformers, not Mech-Cannibal Holocaust.

So the Autobots try to figure out how they could possibly stop the Scraplets from eating their entire base (and them), while also fixing the Ground Bridge to save Optimus and Arcee. Speaking of which, how are they doing?


I can't remember either. It probably wasn't actually important.
Yeah, the two are starting to seriously freeze, and they decide to abandon their fruitless mission (that didn't really make too much sense anyway - wander around aimlessly in sub-zero temperatures and hope you stumble onto another metal pod-thing? Come on, Optimus, you're supposed to kick more ass than that). Unfortunately, there aren't any Tauntauns around to slaughter for warmth, so Optimus and Arcee need to find another means of warming themselves.

Meanwhile, the other non-freezing Autobots are searching through headquarters for the rest of the Scraplets, using their human friends as bodyguards (because a Japanese teenage girl with a wrench will certainly be able to protect a thirty foot-tall robot from hundreds of tiny metal-flesh-eating monsters). On the hunt, Bulkhead hears a noise, screams like a little girl, and proceeds to aimlessly fire his high-powered weaponry and stumble around like an idiot. Luckily he doesn't completely smash Miko on this paranoid rampage (or maybe unfortunately. She is fairly annoying), but he does blow a hole through the ceiling and release dozens of Scraplets onto himself. Counter-productivity FTW!

Bumblebee and Raf confront several Scraplets as well, but Bumblebee sucks considerably less ass than Bulkhead and actually puts up a decent fight. And in the control room, Jack stands around while Ratchet attempts to fix the Ground Bridge, but finds himself unsuccessful. Even after fixing the individual components (and uninstalling Windows Vista), the Bridge isn't getting power. Gosh, I wonder what the cause of that could be. Let's ask these friendly fellows if they've seen anyone suspicious!


... Still not as horrifying as a group of hungry weeaboos fighting over a box of Pocky.
As one could expect, the Scraplets look at Ratchet and see nothing but an all-you-can-eat buffet. Dozens upon dozens of the teeny bastards fly and attack Ratchet, but Jack manages to freeze them off of him with a single fire extinguisher. First off, would a fire extinguisher really lower the Scraplets' body temperatures enough (to sub-zero, presumably) to kill them? And would a single canister really be full enough for taking down a small army of these things? Call me crazy but I think this cartoon is just being straight-up unrealistic. I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!

Also, Bumblebee and Bulkhead run into the control room just in time to be eaten alive too. Fun stuff! After a good amount of their skin has been chewed off by the Scraplets, the Autobots send the kids off to repair a leak in the Energon pipes that was eaten through by the cosmic crabs. The kids are able to get there safely using the ol' "Zombies won't see you if you cover yourself in zombie guts and walk around like a zombie" trick... and by that I mean they just calmly walk past all of the Scraplets because the little buggers don't give a crap about human flesh. After finding the leak, the kids fix it with a good old safety procedure-less kick of DIY welding. Meanwhile, the rest of the hungry Scraplets all fly toward the control room to finish eating Ratchet, Bumblebee, and Bulkhead.

And even MORE meanwhile, Optimus Prime and Arcee are kind of still stuck in the Arctic, and are just sitting around talking about how awesome the good old days were, and how freezing to death is really not that pleasant. Also, they give the whole "If we're about to die, I really want you to know that..." spiel, except that it's not really that interesting. They're basically just like "It's been an honor killing evil robots with you." Come on, no final requests? No professions of bottled-up love? No deep dark confessions?


That's more like it!
But enough of that, there's work to be done! With the Energon pipes repaired, the Ground Bridge is back online, and Optimus and Arcee can be saved! Except, you know, if they walked through the Bridge, they would find themselves in the middle of a Scraplet swarm and be immediately killed. Due to this fact, Bulkhead beckons the Scraplets to follow after him and eat him, and he runs through the Ground Bridge, the Scraplet army close behind him.

Bulkhead arrives in the Arctic completely covered in Scraplets, and also conveniently right in front of his frozen Autobot comrades.


Don't worry Bulkhead, a little Permethrin cream and some combing should get those right out.
As the Scraplets fly out of the Bridge behind Bulkhead, the big robot yells to Optimus and Arcee to get down, but Optimus doesn't take any orders, he gives 'em! So Optimus stands his ground... even in the face of hundreds of tiny death machines flying towards him. But oh-ho-ho, what's this! The sub-zero temperatures of the Arctic freeze the Scraplets to death mid-flight, and instead of being eaten alive, Optimus and Arcee are pelted with a hundred tiny robot carcasses. Weird.

Upon their return to the Autobot base, everyone who was chewed on by the Scraplets gets a hospital check-up as Optimus compliments their human companions for being "small, but strong." Right on cue, Miko screams as loud as humanly possible and runs away from a spider like a crazy lady. I'm pretty sure that this entire bit of comic relief was masterminded by Optimus Prime, who probably planted an Arctic Spider on Miko to distract everyone from the fact that he NEVER BROUGHT RAF A SNOWBALL LIKE HE PROMISED.



Alright, well I hope you all enjoyed last week's episode of Transformers Prime! Check back very soon for this week's recap, "Con Job"!